For the last 4 weeks I have wanted to quit…Like literally everything except my role as mom and wife. I had a big emotional set back over things I genuinely thought I had healed from. I was at the mountain top of joy, confidence, and so expectant in every aspect of life. With one swoop I felt back at square one in everything. My joy, confidence, healing, career, health, and even body image. On top of this already low feeling, I was feeling very physically symptomatic of the flu on the inside but really not manifesting it outwardly. Then, my precious and beloved dog got really sick and died. It felt like a crazy mix of emotions- feelings of gratitude for my blessings, knowing my life was not as bad as I was feeling, but then also overwhelming feelings of sadness, frustration, and even anger. I began wondering why I am doing what I am doing? Why do I try in certain relationships? Why are some things just always so hard for me despite my genuine full force effort? How patient am I supposed to be and when will breakthrough come in the areas that are so very important to me?
Although I had and was using every tool in my tool box, I could not shake this feeling.
I honestly don't like to talk openly about these low moments for me. I like to be positive and strong and never want to sound like a complainer. But, I am also guessing I am not the first person to ever feel this way or have a sudden setback. As I write this I still have a bit of a lump in my throat and tears can come fairly easily these days. I still have a swarm of doubts and frustration and lots of questions swimming through my mind. BUT, I am still going. I am still showing up in the ways I can in life. I am both allowing time and space to recognize and process the setback, with equal determination and perseverance to push myself through and never quit trying. I am relying on an inner will or “choice” to not let this momentary feeling shut me down. I am relying on routines and habits that I have built into my life and trusting that as I keep doing them they will have a positive effect whether I can see it now or not. I am relying on the love of the ones that love me most and pour so much into me. I am relying on my faith, praying, studying, and listening to the books and people I know my soul needs to hear the most. I am being patient with myself. I am constantly turning back to gratitude for all that is good because even in hard times the good is infinitely more than the bad. I am also taking into consideration that as much as I want to help others, I too sometimes need to call on help. And that's ok!
In the book The Problem of Pain, C.S. Lewis says, “ We can ignore even pleasure, but pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, and shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.” So I have to ask myself anytime I hit a roadblock or feel any kind of pain, “What is God saying to me?”
“What message am I meant to hear or what lesson is to be learned? Some moments or seasons are hard. They hurt, but they are never wasted if you allow the lesson to be learned and you open your ears and heart to hear what you need to hear. Just when I think he's taught me all I need to know, here comes another lesson. But that's ok, because I am not here on this earth to just experience my own version of a perfect life. I am made for more and so in accepting that, I know I have to ride these waves of highs and lows and stick close to the one who made me, loves me, knows me, and is shaping me always for my highest use and his eternal good and glory.
Why does this matter to the earthly health experience? Or rather how does the earthly health experience affect the outcome of whether our trials make or break us? My thoughts at this moment are that it matters that we know how to suffer well, because both big and small suffering is part of the human experience. My daily preparation, much like the way an athlete practices daily for the big game, affects how I am able to make the big plays or handle the life that comes at me in the moment. EVERY SINGLE DAILY HEALTH HABIT sets me up for success or failure when the lows of life come. Setting my will and intention on pushing past resistance even when I don't feel like it, keeping my daily routine around the non-negotiables that keep me healthy, committing to riding through a storm and accepting my own limitations and feelings, but not allowing them to dictate whether I stay in the game or not. I heard recently that more often than not, when you feel like giving up, you are actually probably closer to your miracle/breakthrough of accomplishment than you are far away from it. As much as I believe in God and know the power of his help in my life, I also believe we have an adversary. So when you get close to making a difference, of course he will get in your head anyway he can! There is always going to be some opposition to our life on earth simply because there is also so much good that we have to offer. With every high and every low we have to stay dialed into our big why and our unique purpose and decide ahead of time that we will be a person that perseveres.
For me in these times, I have been reminded of Hebrews 12:1-3: “Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and PERFECTER of our faith. For the joy set before him, he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of God.” I am learning to keep my world smaller and stay focused on the right people and things. Keeping my heart and mind focused on Jesus and HIS perfect attributes that I want to mimic as I navigate my life's race . I can accept going through a rough patch because I am being refined in this earthly process for a greater purpose and an eternal setting in heaven where all will be made right. He suffered and I can suffer too. He persevered and I can too. His life on earth was not perfect and mine doesn't have to be either. Despite it not being perfect, it's still really good and at the end of the day I am thankful for every moment and every lesson and every person I get to encounter. It's not all about me and what I want, and I can rest easy in that. I just need to wake up and give my best again and again because everyday is a gift and my life matters… and so does yours. Keep going, keep learning, keep giving your best. God loves you and the world needs you!
Love,
Keri
Quick Note: Here is a link for a book about a woman's inspiring story of true perseverance through the hardest of trials:
True Grit and Grace: Turning Tragedy into Triumph By: Amberly Lago